Oh come on...

Well, the time arrived for my first actual blog…

As usual we never have the need to write about something when we feeling good…Today from the first in the morning things gone wrong…I took a day off from my job for no significant reason, I just have to spend my days off cause my job in about 10 days will be over. I just planned to do so some stuff cause life in a village, especially when you’re used to have activities in the morning even if that is your job, goes by veeery slowly…

I didn’t do anything of what I planned after all, cause I had a big fight with someone from my family, - in a public place if that makes any sense… I am soooo tired, so sick by their temper by their obsessions…I have always saying that, but the last years I never had the gats to do something about it. Yes I have turned my self in a chicken…cause I have his need…and I feel vulnerable…
I don’t have the straight to stand on my own, to shut the door behind me as I did in the past and walk away from all this. I am a chicken and that is a fact. Ok…I have some health issues that made me like that, but still…that is a lousy excuse ..and I know that I feel like that always, especially like these times, when my temper is hitting red. The shity thing is i always cry when I m totally pissed off, don’t know why the fuck I do that. In the time that I try to show my angry and strong self ..i ..i cry! Shit that sucks, it’s like I’ showing that I m vulnerable, and I don’t want that, I doooont!

I had enough of this shit…

In a while I’m goanna stop from my current job, cause the time has arrived as my contract predict form the start. Don’t know what I’m goanna do in the near future. The holydays are coming, and for one more time I m not goanna speak with that person again. I didn’t said that I’m enjoying this, but that’s the way I’m fuctioning, always, when I’m pissed of with someone, I don’t want to see them either, further more to speak with them. God, the future isn’t good as I see it from my crystal ball… I have to find a decent job that I like, and start my life all over again. Or I just have to have some activities again away from my village, just to feel that I’m active again you know, vital. Otherwise I have to put up all this shit in daily bases.. and I’m not a kid anymore…and I have to prove it one more time…cause the other side is sooo blind soooo what else noun or adjective sould I use…that they din’t see it. I 'm not anyones own.

Why I have to be soo fuckin sensitive…why! ? Shit…do I have to do a meditation for it, ehm some hypnosis, maybe a kick boxing or something… Shit…I need to change…if I want to be the girl I used and wish to be…